Feeling Lost

"Touch me, I'm cold, unable to control.
Touch me I'm golden and wild as the wind blows."

I feel so emotional right now.
I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it's anxiety with the holiday season being incredibly schizophrenic on locations... one minute home, one minute NC, then next GA, and the next PA. Maybe it's the fact that I still feel so gd lonely. And incredibly irritable. I think it's mainly my, what I could best describe as "dark side" coming out. I don't understand a lot about how my mind works, despite being stuck with the same one the past 20 years. (And here comes the spiral). I don't understand myself, how could anyone else understand me?

I still don't know where my future is going. It's like my entire life is riding on one letter. One sing piece of mail could either send me on the path I have been anticipating, or send me in the entire opposite direction that I haven't planned out, and don't dare to dwell on. Please Lord, I know I've been kind of a moronic tornado of incredibly ignorant frustrations lately, but I need this acceptance letter. I need a college that will accept me. I need a purpose in my life.

"And tumbling tumbling, don't go fascination.
If just for tonight, darling, let's get lost.
If just for tonight, darling, let's get lost."

I don't know what love is.

I'm sick of being the only one of my friends who isn't dating or doesn't have a stable social life. Being out of college for a break is incredibly sickening to me. I am so ready to be back around people my age... I'm so ready to be back around guys. I know I'm getting to a bad point because I'm back to writing love stories, *ugh*. Love stories are the worst, I think I make them too fantasy because God knows I don't know what Love is anymore. After my ex I just feel like an idiot. I had thought I knew everything, I thought we'd get married and be happy for ever after. I'm so stupid. How could I not see past my fairy-tale dream and see reality? But the more I see reality, the more I'm pretty sure love doesn't exist. Sure my parents love each other. But what IS love? I don't understand it. I can't wrap my mind around it. And I'm pretty sure no one will ever be able to show me.

And just knowing that... gives me this intense amount of sorrow. Like a brick being throw into my chest. I can't describe it. I don't think love was ever meant for me.

The Meaning of Sorry

Sorry. I keep telling myself that word over and over, thinking that somehow, the more I tell myself that I'm sorry for staying with him, it will make everything magically better again. Am I sorry?

Sorry: 1, full of sorrow, regret. 2, pitiful, wretched.

Yep. That about sums up how I feel, so therefore, I must be sorry. Sorry that I let him do that to me. Sorry that I still think about it. Sorry that I still sink to that low. Sorry that I don't turn to God to help me. Sorry that I know God would help me. Sorry that he still makes me cry.... Sorry that I still have tears to cry over him.
And what for? God is my main focus now. So why am I still so pathetic, clinging to my hatred of him and still wanting to out-do him somehow? Why do I want to show him that I'm so much happier without him? And tell, no, scream at him, about how he ruined my childhood, took away my friends when I needed them... why can't I tell anyone else that?
Books used to take the pain away for a while.... now they don't.
I'm stuck. I want to turn to God, but it's hard when I'm away from my group of friends who were active Christians. I'm in youth group at my church, but I'm not a member, I'm an adult leader. Now, I don't have the connection with the members...even though I still look like I could be a high school student, they aren't going to connect with me as easily as people my own age or older would.

This just sucks. And I'm still sorry.

Released.

I finally spoke to my mom about how useless I was feeling. It pretty much all just spilled over one evening and she finally listened to what I had to say...
I feel like I can tell my mom anything, it's always just a matter of if she is willing to hear me out and not cut me off before I can tell her everything I want... no, that I NEED to say.

I still am struggling with the feeling, but it's slowly subsiding. I just don't know what I need in my life. Maybe more structure. But as I've mentioned before, having a boyfriend wouldn't be so bad. I wish I could just let it go and not worry about finding that certain someone. Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't shake the feeling that I'm never going to find anyone else who is willing to put up with me and my quirks, and even worse, put up with me when I sin. I know Jesus loves me, and God, but what about another human?

I found a prayer/memo/message that I wanted to share:
Guard your heart
Don't give your heart away until the Lord makes it absolutely clear.
Ask the Lord to give you someone who loves Jesus more than you, who is stronger and deeper and more committed to the faith than anyone you can possibly imagine.

This is really beautiful to me because this is what I need in my life. I need a man, who is a true man of God. And I want to continue to pray for him to find me, and care for me, because I know I don't mind being the follower of my husband, as long as my husband is truly worthy of my submission. And maybe it's a little old school, but it's what makes me happy.

Those shades of blue

Tonight is just one of those nights that I just want to cry my heart out. Blast my music, go some place far, far away, and bawl. Bawl until I can't see, until I fall asleep, until my eyes are dry. I want to run away... I just don't know exactly what I'm running from.

I wish I wasn't so messed up. I wish I didn't need to take these stupid anti-anxiety medications. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I was so much better than what I am. I just feel so useless. I'm not going full time in college and even though I just got hired at a job, they aren't calling me to start training. And I just feel so stupid. I feel like I'm absolutely useless right now. I just wish I could find some way to get out of here and actually do something useful in my life.

God... I need you. I just need you to hear me. What am I supposed to do? When I get like this, there is no stopping it. I can't do anything but beat myself up about stupid stuff, I can't help but feel like a total idiot, and so angry.

Lord, I just want you to comfort me, please? I know I'm selfish. I know I'm a hypocrite and coward... but God... I don't know how to change. I just need you so badly right now.

Two in One

Sorry for the double post today, I don't know why I don't like doing that, but I just had to say: I've been praying every night, and not for myself. For others, and for acceptance of God's will no matter what happens.... I think, that has made me a calmer person, and I can feel God near me. I've gotten more involved in church as well, that's helped a lot too. I just wish, like I said before, that everyone could experience this, and I wish I could remember this feeling at all times.

You Are More

There's been a lot on my mind lately.
I've had so many ups and downs. An up has been feeling God beside me, hearing His voice. A down has been getting a call from my best friend sobbing because her boyfriend is a complete jerk. Another up has been getting my neighbor's dog, Hunter, to walk on a looser leash, he's really starting to understand not to pull, but it's still not perfect. My dog, Pierre, is doing really well too. He knows roll-over now! It's exciting to watch him grow and learn more about dogs in general. If only humanity was so simple to deal with.

It makes me so sad to know so many people don't know God or don't love Jesus. It makes me ache when I see how negative and destructive humans can be.

There's one guy on YouTube called TheAmazingAtheist, the name already screams ignorance, but on top of that, he's just so mean and full of hate and a desire to destroy good. I can really tell. One thing I've always been good at was the ability to read someone, he is dark, wounded and evil. It's truly horrifying that even if he doesn't believe in the devil, I can see him sitting next to it. One thing that scares me is the people who don't see the demons behind them. I constantly strive to watch out for them, but I know my God is stronger than any demon. But I worry, sometimes hearing the words that other people say, about how it's dumb to think there is a God, that somehow hearing the words will make me believe it. Although, when I step back and ask for God's guidance, I know He's there. And it's sad that some people will go there whole lives not knowing that feeling.

I just wish, that even if people didn't know Jesus, that they would at least be happy, at least be a positive being and not one so consumed with hate.

Hate this.

I hate this. Honestly. Indecision is really not becoming to you. Make plans, and stick to them.

You've put me through it, almost 1/2 the times we make plans, you cancel, or are late, or whatever. And you know what, you are one of my best friends. But this is total bullshavicks... I'm so effing sick of you blowing me off. I'm sick of calling, and your phone is off. I'm sick of you making plans, and then "Oops, I totally forgot" Or "Sorry, I'm sick" or "cleaning" or some other lame excuse.

Most likely, you didn't double check with your mom about something, and then she gets pissed because you are using her house without asking, like usual, and then you have to fudge up every one else who had plans. Why can't you just say, "Hey mom, I want to have a party Wednesday afternoon, is that OK?" And if not, find a better time, and then STICK TO IT.

None of this bullshite oh, it's at 1 pm on Wednesday!
and then two days before: 3:30 on Wednesday!
and then one day before: Next tuesday at 1!
and then again, just kidding!: Wednesday at 1~!
and once more: Wednesday at 2!
and one more time for good measure, the day of: Wednesday at 3:30!

and I bet someone reading this will think I'm taking this out of context and stretching it... IF ONLY. This is the shite she pulls (excuse my language I am just incredibly sick of this). And it's every time she makes plans. Everyone has to be happy, which isn't possible. She better learn this before going off into the real world.

Make a stand for what you know, stand your ground, don't get pushed over by the lightest breeze or you will never become full grown.

Crash.

Breathe in. Out. In... oh Lord... help me.
I was just looking at a friend's wedding pictures, a wedding I could unfortunately (but probably ended up being for the best) could not attend. My heart just... well... if a heart could vomit, that's what mine just did. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for my friend, she is so nice and lovely and deserves to finally have found a guy to treat her right but... I had just been writing, a hobby of mine, and I was writing about my break up just a few months back. I feel like a moron while writing it because it gets hard to see what I'm typing through the blur of tears (which usually isn't too much of a problem since I am able to type without looking but I cut my finger making dinner this evening so typing is a chore, another story for another time)...

How pathetic am I? I am just so sure I'll never find anyone to love me and for me to love back. I want it like crazy. But who am I fooling, I'm only 20! I could not meet someone for 4 or 5 or 10 more years and it's not like it's the end of the world!

I guess it's only because for four years of my life I lived thinking I was going to be married to the then "love" of my life right out of college and have a family and live a perfect life.
Oh God... Breathe....

I had to walk away. This is killing me even just to think about it. I feel so, I don't know, lost I guess. When I was actually at college, I had my friends who supported me via our religion and it was so uplifting, so inspiring and I had direction in my life. Now I feel like I'm wandering. I still give God all the glory in my life, but there are times like this, that everything gets so dark and I just feel like a small child separated from their mother, like a balloon pushed by any amount of wind, I feel as frail as porcelain, as insignificant as a lint ball rolling out the door. I feel so alone.

What if I never meet a guy? I know the point of this blog was to help me wait, but now it just feel like a place to track the days I waited and came up empty handed. I need to be here, in the present, worshiping God with everything I have and everything will work out fine. That's how it was in college, He was ever present when I was reaching out to him with love and obedience. Now, I'm not saying God's left me, but I feel distant. What can I do to bring Him closer to me? Tell me God please? I just want Your answer. I need Your touch right now so badly. Please help me.
Wow, it's almost midnight. I'm supposed to be in bed, getting ready for a fun Friday and fun weekend... I have plans Friday evening and all day Saturday. Why can't I just look forward to that time? I am seeing one of my favorite musicals tomorrow and spending almost all day with three of my absolute favorite friends and going to be at the beach having a good time... And I know, there's no way if I was still dating him that I would have such freedom. I just wish my heart could decide if it was broken, mended, maybe just stitched up a bit... or if it's finally whole again....

Up and Down and Up and Down and Down...

So, my life is a pretty easy one over all. Sure my online class isn't fun, but I've made A's on the first three exams and I do the work and get it done on time. And I have good friends that hang out with me and accept me for me. And I have a loving family, that while sometimes makes me want to punt small furry animals (not really, I like animals too much) they are still a supportive family. I also have two adorable cats that are only sometimes moody... and then there is the puppy. I won't talk too much about him, just that he can be so smart sometimes, and such a little brat other times.
Anyway, I'm just feeling like I should have applied to go back to college sooner... I thought, oh I'll get a job and work this fall and it will be all good! But now, what if I don't get a job? I had an interview lined up and they said they wanted me to go work for them, now they haven't called me and it's almost about the time they said they'd want me to come work for them. I don't know. I'm just so low right now. I feel like my life is pretty worthless. And my acne....

Oh God the acne...

I started using ProActiv but it's not doing much for half of my face. It cleared up my forehead which is a miracle! But now it's just stinging my face and I still have a big zit on my left cheek that just isn't going away, it's like it froze the rest of my acne :[ ...

Why can't I be one of those girls that just has a crap ton of money and is constantly beautiful? Why couldn't I have gotten that? And smart and perfect.... I just want to be perfect...

Meditate.

Mom took the puppy outside so I, as usual, followed into the back yard. We set up our chairs and watched little Pierre run around a bit. It was warm out, perfectly warm, and I clutched my tea with sugar and honey, not for warmth, but as a comfort. Mom decided it was time to go inside and start working, she works from home, but I was drawn to stay outside. And as I sat there I began to think about what I learned from a yoga instructor...
"Just sit."
So I did.
I heard the trees rustling in the wind. I heard the little whirring bugs in response, and felt the wind across my face. I heard a scratching of a chipmunk as he dug around in his little home a few feet from my seat. I saw two dragonflies around the tiger lilies. I heard the trickling water of the pond. I felt when the sun was fully uncovered, and the coolness of the earth when a cloud blocked the ray's path. As I sat there, I began to feel the Earth beneath me, and realize how sturdy it was. How solid this ground is. I felt safe, supported, embraced. It made me think about God.
God is so big, so sturdy. He is the foundation. Sometimes, we only see a little bit of him, sometimes we see a lot of him, or sometimes we hear him a little, like a trickling of water, or sometimes we hear a lot of him, a deafening whirring of bugs in the trees. But no matter what we currently see or hear, he is always there. He is the solid foundation upon which we all stand. He is constantly in motion for us, always holding us and guiding our steps. It doesn't matter if we believe in Him or not, He is always there. People used to think the world was flat, that didn't change it from being a sphere. And people may not see God, may not listen to Him, that doesn't change the fact that He is there.

The Internet is for Emo College Zumba Dancers

So I've been looking around thinking: ugh, why are all these blogs so emo!?! And then I realize how much of a hypocrite I must sound like because, I mean, look down... my blogs are emo too. I think it's because the internet gives us this false sense of "Say whatever you want to say" which to an extent is fine, unless it transfers into your everyday life, then people might start not calling you back or inviting you to parties.
Which sounds horrible, but if I had to listen to me talk like how I talk when I come to rant in a blog, I wouldn't want to be friends with myself. Ever.
And yes, sure, everyone has "those days"... you know, the ones where the entire world is against you and nobody understands how you feel? But that's why I use this blog I think... so that I can rant and rave, get it off my chest, and then forget about the whole ordeal.

Like now, I'm anxiously awaiting a reply from a community college about being accepted because I've decided to hell with the last university I attended, I'm staying closer to home and getting my ASN (associates degree of science in nursing) and then going to work. I should have just gone for my ASN to begin with because honestly I've never been a big fan of school and I am just SO ready to have a job and be out in the work place doing some good. I'm done with worrying about will I make a B or an A in this last psych class... so so very done.

I looked up some Zumba videos on youtube and am in love!! I love dancing and I want to work out, Zumba seems like a perfect solution! The only problem is that I don't have 60 dollars to buy either the work out DVD sets nor do I have 55 dollars for the month long, 2-days-a-week class that is offered in my hometown.
Soooo for now I will resort to copying people's moves on youtube videos and trying to figure it out by myself. I'm a quick learner so I'm not too concerned. Doing Zumba on top dragon boat training and my stretching (somewhat yoga) I am really hoping to just drop 5 pounds. I've been in the 138-142 range for a year now and I'm sick of it.
I want to be at least 135 again.... if I could get to 130 or even 125 I would be ecstatic... but I've tried loosing before and it never moves from my current range... I just don't want to be let down again. I really hate my weight... and I feel and extremely emo blog coming on... so I'll leave it at that.

Ciao

Fitspiration?

So I have been listening to a lot of Gwen Stefani songs lately and looking at her, she is so freakin' gorgeous, I want to be like her so badly. So my first goal, shape up. Now, I've been working extra hard to watch calories (which for both my mom and I don't really seem to do crap, I can keep under 1200 calories a day and still not loose weight) but also I have been working out extra too. Tuesday I did yoga and general stretching and that evening was dragon boat practice. Dragon boating kicked my butt pretty good since it had been two weeks since last going (lots of stuff going on in the family). But then today I did lifting and then a little bit of stationary bike and am getting ready to do some push-ups, possibly try to do the push-up and clap (don't know if it will work well though).

Anyway I actually looked up "thinspiration" first, but then saw something called "fitspiration" I am now looking every where for this, because in reality, I am never going to look like Gwen Stefani no matter how hard I try, my hip bones are far too wide for that. I just want to slim down to my hip bones, I know I'm curvaceous, but why can't I be curvaceous and fit at the same time?

I'm house sitting right now which means I have an entire house to be as loud or crazy as I want to be and not disturb anyone, either while working out or writing music. Hopefully this will be a good thing. However my online psychology class is taking up a lot of time and effort out of things I could be doing more of. If I didn't have to sit at the computer I could take a book and sit on the bike and read for an hour, but oh no, I need to spend at least 2-3 hours a day in front of the computer thanks to this class.

Well, that's just a quick update. A lot is going on, but I am going to get fit, I am going to lose weight, I am going to finally be happy with the way I look. No one is going to call me fat again.

Moved from another account

I started writing in my DA account about my life and realized that's not where I want to post deep stuff. This is. Where I am someone totally different living a different life and no one knows. So here's the stuff I took out of my journal entry on DA:


I have always been that way though, like if I get good grades and my mom doesn't lavish me with praise I feel like it wasn't good enough. Or if I do something cool and dad doesn't comment I feel like it was stupid and I'm worthless. That's one of my huge flaws though, I can be a big "people-pleaser" and I need to stop living like that.

Another note, getting out of a 4 year relationship kind of fudged me up. I am super paranoid because I don't want to see him, last time I did I went home and cried for 4 hours and felt like such a.. well.. I didn't have good self-esteem for a while. And now I feel like some of my friends aren't even able to hang out with me because what if he's there too?

Hello no one

I realize I am not popular in real life, or on the internet. I realize I never will be. So why do I keep trying like maybe if I keep trying it will get me anywhere? Maybe I need to make more things like this where I hide my real identity, maybe then I can make up someone I'm not and people will like that more. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want someone to talk to I guess and mom has always been there for me but it's just that there are some things I can't tell ANYONE. I can't tell mom, she's just a little harsh in her help. I'm single now so I have no one to turn to on that side of things. My friends don't follow the same faith so they won't help me by quoting the bible which was most of the help I got in Toledo.

Now I feel like I am just lost. I started a novena to St. Jude hoping that that will some how help me but I'm not so sure. I am feeling very much like a desperate cause though.

Will I ever find something to live for again?

My future husband is really good at hide and seek...

I really can't help it. I want to find a guy, a great guy, the best guy. Where is he? I've been looking, and any time I think I find a guy who's great, there's those things that start popping up. He cusses, he is immature, he is fussy, he is stupid. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about, right? Just those things, you didn't notice before, but now they are every where. Well... there's a new thing with one guy... he's just so... idk. I feel like sometimes he really doesn't mind my company, he'll come into my room and hang out and talk to me, but then other times he will be in such a rush to go some place or do something else. It just irks me. And then there's this other guy, but he cusses and since I have a problem with cussing (used to at least) I can't ever be with a guy who can just cuss freely in front of a lady. Or at least, that's my new thought.

Guys, they just don't understand. And I'm trying to understand it myself I guess, but I am really saving myself this time. I am keeping myself pure for the man that is going to put an engagement ring followed by a wedding ring on my left hand ring finger and mean it. I am done with little boys who don't know what life is or who don't love God or who can't commit. I am done. God, please help me because I need you to keep me in check and keep my patients up. I want to wait for the perfect guy. Today, that one guy, that I caught eyes with, he was so cute and we smiled at each other and it was nice... but God, I'm never going to see him again. What if he was the one? It felt really nice to smile at him. Or maybe, he's a total jerk, and I'll never know. I just don't understand. I am trying to wait.

But waiting is hard.

Soooo annoying!

First off, I had an AWESOME God-filled weekend and I would love to go into details but instead for time sake (I have 40 minutes until Church), I went on a retreat, got to meet new people, make new friends, bonfires, big-booty game, smores, worship, fed the homeless, and some more worship (i play in the band so it's awesome)... oh... and spending some more time with a certain someone.... ahhhh God get my mind off him!

Anywho, moving on to why I had to come and rant! My roommate! I haven't had any issues with her for the past 120 days or so (whatever 2 semesters minus 2 weeks is) but she recently got a boyfriend (they've been together maybe a month now) and she just constantly treats him like a little kid! She talks to him like a little kid, has to constantly tell him "no no no" like you would a little kid. She is really mean to him, calls him stupid, and honestly just is not in a healthy relationship. Sure they both love God... but honestly... this relationship in my eyes is just not good at all. I don't like to walk into the room and see him on her bed. They don't go to far but it's just akward to see them kissing. I didn't kiss my ex for 2 months... they started kissing in maybe a week. UGH. Plus, they do remind me of my previous relationship and I hate it. There is a reason I broke up with him and this is just so disgusting for me to watch. It brings back horrible memories I will never be able to get rid of. He has scarred me and I regret more than I can look back and say that I cherish.

Pranks are never a good idea...

Last night I played a prank on two boys with two of my girl friends. We ripped up lots of paper into tiny pieces and put them into bowls and then threw them on the boys when they opened their doors after we knocked. At first of course I was afraid of getting thrown from the window, the usual, but now I really ticked one off I feel like. He hasn't responded to my text message and I just feel like he's overall annoyed with me. I hate when people are mad at me or don't like me. I can't explain it and I know I should let it go but... I kind of was starting to really like this guy. He's just so cool and pretty nice to me when we get to hang out. Idk, I just was really starting to make a new friend and now I feel like I'm never going to be able to get close to guys.

It's just so awkward since my break-up... single life is not exactly as cracked up as it sounds to be. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be single than still living the hell I was in with my ex but I just really liked this guy and now I feel like he hates me.

But I deserve it. I always do. And it always happens. This is why I don't step out of my shell, I just can't get away with it like my more outgoing friends can. And I don't understand it, it's not fair! I do everything I can to be the nicest person to people and then I do one harmless prank (which by the way I suggested paper over my other friends suggestion of water) and now look at what it's done. I get completely ignored.

I know I must sound like such a whiny little girl. I don't know how to present myself on this blog without sounding like one of ... THOSE girls.... the attention hog, goody-two-shoes, has-to-have-every-guy girls... I'm not like that. But I'm sure it sounds like it.

Why can't Prince Charming just be here NOW God? I'm so sick of waiting!

I was mad...

So I was mad that last blog... obviously. And things are better this afternoon but honestly... there is still just so much on my heart. After posting that blog, I called my mom, called on Jesus, and sat down with my bible. I just feel like every time I think that my friends are so great, they don't exactly live up to their title of Christians. We're all Christians so I just don't understand why they have to bring up the divisions in the church. I always keep my mouth shut but part of me really wants to bring it up. I don't know, just pray for me please. Because honestly, I love being Catholic. People can judge us all they want, unless you study the Catholic faith, most times the judgements are made because people don't understand why we do what we do. And yeah, we've made mistakes, so what? We're HUMAN. God's imperfect people living for a perfect God and preaching a perfect love we can only hope to achieve one day.

Bible passages I found yesterday:
Psalm 88
Psalm 93
Psalm 103:2
Isaiah 41:10

Love,
Lizzy

I'm so SICK

I'm so freaking tired of being the nice guy. I am sick of letting my friends bad talk Catholics and say that we're weird. They call themselves Christians and then totally put down my faith.. even to my FACE. I don't understand and right now I am so angry that I don't want to go to their bible study anymore. I don't want to be friends with them. I don't want to talk to them or tell them anything. It's hard, but I'm going to make new friends. I am sick of being put down, being the scape goat. God, if these are your people, why are they so horrible??

Trying to study... and it's not working

Well I'm pretty sure I failed my microbiology exam but I least people can't say I didn't try my hardest. I did forget to read out of the book though like I'd been doing and that seemed to significantly raise my past test scores so I am just really bummed out that I missed an opportunity to do maybe 10 points better. Wow it makes me sick to my stomach just to think about the horror of getting that test back :(

I just want to be out of here. I can't even think with all of the crap going on. Finals are just around the corner and with that means so much more stuff to do before I leave like taking this stupid math test to see if I am even good enough to go to this school (not really but I have to pass to get into the Nursing program... it's not that it's hard it's just time consuming... 4 hours of a Saturday wasted...)

I just want to curl up under my covers and go back to sleep but instead I have CRU (campus crusade for Christ) tonight and I would not go but I play bass for it so I have to. I mean, I guess it's always fun but the friends I walk back with take FOREVER after it running around talking to people, which annoys me because it's already 10 at night and it's going to be freezing cold thanks to Ohio's amazing choice in weather this week.

Looking to my left where I keep my post-it-notes of crap I need to get done it's still pretty full. I have 6 more exams this year (in the course of 3 weeks), 1 quiz and 2 projects I have to get done. I really don't know how Nursing here is so incredibly difficult. Maybe it won't be too bad if I don't get in here and have to go to another school. I am just so sick of wasting my time with classes like Nurtrition and Psychology. Don't get me wrong, I love Nutrition and have learned SO very much from the class but the things she makes us do are just stupid. Like assessing our own diet, honestly, this is just a huge cramp in my time that is already precious little. I am wearing so thin. I don't even feel like I have time to talk to God. Which is probably part of the problem. I can't get quiet time in, fellowship time is good but prayer time is just cut in half these days. It makes me wish I was back out on the beach where life is slow and peaceful.

One day...

Rainy Days

My roommates class is canceled, no surprise there. We had a lot of rain last night, the thunderstorm started around maybe 3 o'clock and just got worse until around 11, then it slowed down but I know I heard more thunder around midnight. I love thunderstorms, so much, I just don't want to take my two exams today. Say a little prayer for me will you? I've already studied as much as possible.

Funny... not?

So God pretty much shut me up one way or another last night.

I was made fun of, once again, for being Catholic. Because, even though my other friends are Christian and say they believe in loving others, they make fun of Catholics. Like crazy. And it's always the priest jokes and seriously? I mean, come on? You can't come up with anything more original? The priests at my church are some of the most Godly amazing men I have ever known and it really broke my heart to see my pastor telling the church that he wasn't going to hug children anymore because he's afraid of placing any more hate, judgment or the like on the church's name. Which is STUPID. If other friends and family can hug children in the church I don't see why he can't. All of them are amazing men and would never do such a horrible disgusting thing like those few did and now they've ruined the love and trust for everyone else.

But... anyway... one of the guys I couldn't get my mind off of without considerable effort told one of the jokes so it just was a real big turn off and I know God is slightly behind it. He's putting my through trials right now, this isn't the first time I've been mocked by people who know I'm Catholic.

Too bad they don't know just how much closer they push me to my faith.

Fire alarm this morning

Ugh, sometimes I just don't know about this college. Besides my adviser screwing me up so I can't take online classes (long story) now we are having 2-7 am fire alarms. Last week there were ones at 3 and 4, this morning was one at 7. And the best part is it couldn't make up it's mind if it was going off or not. Finally now the halls are silent. I am hoping to actually get some studying done later today. I was supposed to meet with a girl from the multicultural bible study on campus but I am not really sure I want to anymore. I hope she will understand. After all she hasn't contacted me in a week which makes me think she forgot too. I just have so much to do and so little time to do it with the weeks flying by like this and only 2 exams left in each class ( psych, anatomy II, microbiology, and nutrition). UGH.

Hello there.

Well this is akward. I just spent the past ten minutes pumped about making this blog because it is quicker for me to type than write like I have been doing but now, somehow, the amount of time it took me to create a new email address and pseudo name for this blog just took out all my energy.

I guess the least I can do now is give you something more than just the bland how do you dos.

Here it is: I'm 20 years old. I spent from the time I was 15 to the time I was 19 in a relationship that ended a few months ago because I was growing closer to God and the boy I was dating wanted nothing to do with what I was trying to tell him. Don't get him wrong, he was religious and all that but never really cared what I was saying when I told him, I don't feel like going to second/third base anymore because it actually makes me feel like crap after and because I really know where I want to focus my life (on God) now. He thought that was me saying: I don't like you. And eventually past all his worrying that I didn't like him anymore and his guilt-ing me into doing things I didn't like, I started to actually... not like him. Imagine that?
So here I sit a few months later totally over him, no matter how much he claims to have changed I am steering clear of that mistake again. And wondering: well now what?

Well now what indeed. Here I sit, waiting. Waiting for God to show me. And trust me, it's not easy, it's not like I like saying to people "I'm going to school to be a Nurse but I still don't know what's going to happen, I'm just leaving it up to God who you probably think is just some big imaginary guy in the sky." But that's basically what I do. Thank the good Lord most of my friends are Christians since I'm involved on my college campus in an organization called CRU (Campus Crusades for Christ) and they understand. But oh boy... when I talk to anyone else it sure can get some people to shut up... or start them off... one of the two.

So my problem now is that I am a hopeless romantic and without a guy in my life I am getting antsy. It's that age you can't help it I think... so it's been hard to be patient with God and focus on Jesus while he makes the perfect guy for me. I guess this is just where I can vent for now, while I wait.

I have a lot to talk about... the other boys in my life that I don't really know about... all that I have learned so far... but I guess they will have to wait, just like me. Hopefully, we will both be rewarded with a follow up :)

Blessings,
Lizzy