Crash.

Breathe in. Out. In... oh Lord... help me.
I was just looking at a friend's wedding pictures, a wedding I could unfortunately (but probably ended up being for the best) could not attend. My heart just... well... if a heart could vomit, that's what mine just did. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for my friend, she is so nice and lovely and deserves to finally have found a guy to treat her right but... I had just been writing, a hobby of mine, and I was writing about my break up just a few months back. I feel like a moron while writing it because it gets hard to see what I'm typing through the blur of tears (which usually isn't too much of a problem since I am able to type without looking but I cut my finger making dinner this evening so typing is a chore, another story for another time)...

How pathetic am I? I am just so sure I'll never find anyone to love me and for me to love back. I want it like crazy. But who am I fooling, I'm only 20! I could not meet someone for 4 or 5 or 10 more years and it's not like it's the end of the world!

I guess it's only because for four years of my life I lived thinking I was going to be married to the then "love" of my life right out of college and have a family and live a perfect life.
Oh God... Breathe....

I had to walk away. This is killing me even just to think about it. I feel so, I don't know, lost I guess. When I was actually at college, I had my friends who supported me via our religion and it was so uplifting, so inspiring and I had direction in my life. Now I feel like I'm wandering. I still give God all the glory in my life, but there are times like this, that everything gets so dark and I just feel like a small child separated from their mother, like a balloon pushed by any amount of wind, I feel as frail as porcelain, as insignificant as a lint ball rolling out the door. I feel so alone.

What if I never meet a guy? I know the point of this blog was to help me wait, but now it just feel like a place to track the days I waited and came up empty handed. I need to be here, in the present, worshiping God with everything I have and everything will work out fine. That's how it was in college, He was ever present when I was reaching out to him with love and obedience. Now, I'm not saying God's left me, but I feel distant. What can I do to bring Him closer to me? Tell me God please? I just want Your answer. I need Your touch right now so badly. Please help me.
Wow, it's almost midnight. I'm supposed to be in bed, getting ready for a fun Friday and fun weekend... I have plans Friday evening and all day Saturday. Why can't I just look forward to that time? I am seeing one of my favorite musicals tomorrow and spending almost all day with three of my absolute favorite friends and going to be at the beach having a good time... And I know, there's no way if I was still dating him that I would have such freedom. I just wish my heart could decide if it was broken, mended, maybe just stitched up a bit... or if it's finally whole again....