Sorry. I keep telling myself that word over and over, thinking that somehow, the more I tell myself that I'm sorry for staying with him, it will make everything magically better again. Am I sorry?
Sorry: 1, full of sorrow, regret. 2, pitiful, wretched.
Yep. That about sums up how I feel, so therefore, I must be sorry. Sorry that I let him do that to me. Sorry that I still think about it. Sorry that I still sink to that low. Sorry that I don't turn to God to help me. Sorry that I know God would help me. Sorry that he still makes me cry.... Sorry that I still have tears to cry over him.
And what for? God is my main focus now. So why am I still so pathetic, clinging to my hatred of him and still wanting to out-do him somehow? Why do I want to show him that I'm so much happier without him? And tell, no, scream at him, about how he ruined my childhood, took away my friends when I needed them... why can't I tell anyone else that?
Books used to take the pain away for a while.... now they don't.
I'm stuck. I want to turn to God, but it's hard when I'm away from my group of friends who were active Christians. I'm in youth group at my church, but I'm not a member, I'm an adult leader. Now, I don't have the connection with the members...even though I still look like I could be a high school student, they aren't going to connect with me as easily as people my own age or older would.
This just sucks. And I'm still sorry.
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