I have been waiting...

I feel like my waiting is about at an end. God, I know you're here now... I'm sorry that I still don't put you first every moment... but you've still been merciful.

And the best thing You've done for me? You've given me him. He's been my friend for two years... and now we're more... He's a best friend. He's kind. And funny. And he's not exactly what I expected, but exactly what I needed.

Feeling Lost

"Touch me, I'm cold, unable to control.
Touch me I'm golden and wild as the wind blows."

I feel so emotional right now.
I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it's anxiety with the holiday season being incredibly schizophrenic on locations... one minute home, one minute NC, then next GA, and the next PA. Maybe it's the fact that I still feel so gd lonely. And incredibly irritable. I think it's mainly my, what I could best describe as "dark side" coming out. I don't understand a lot about how my mind works, despite being stuck with the same one the past 20 years. (And here comes the spiral). I don't understand myself, how could anyone else understand me?

I still don't know where my future is going. It's like my entire life is riding on one letter. One sing piece of mail could either send me on the path I have been anticipating, or send me in the entire opposite direction that I haven't planned out, and don't dare to dwell on. Please Lord, I know I've been kind of a moronic tornado of incredibly ignorant frustrations lately, but I need this acceptance letter. I need a college that will accept me. I need a purpose in my life.

"And tumbling tumbling, don't go fascination.
If just for tonight, darling, let's get lost.
If just for tonight, darling, let's get lost."

I don't know what love is.

I'm sick of being the only one of my friends who isn't dating or doesn't have a stable social life. Being out of college for a break is incredibly sickening to me. I am so ready to be back around people my age... I'm so ready to be back around guys. I know I'm getting to a bad point because I'm back to writing love stories, *ugh*. Love stories are the worst, I think I make them too fantasy because God knows I don't know what Love is anymore. After my ex I just feel like an idiot. I had thought I knew everything, I thought we'd get married and be happy for ever after. I'm so stupid. How could I not see past my fairy-tale dream and see reality? But the more I see reality, the more I'm pretty sure love doesn't exist. Sure my parents love each other. But what IS love? I don't understand it. I can't wrap my mind around it. And I'm pretty sure no one will ever be able to show me.

And just knowing that... gives me this intense amount of sorrow. Like a brick being throw into my chest. I can't describe it. I don't think love was ever meant for me.

The Meaning of Sorry

Sorry. I keep telling myself that word over and over, thinking that somehow, the more I tell myself that I'm sorry for staying with him, it will make everything magically better again. Am I sorry?

Sorry: 1, full of sorrow, regret. 2, pitiful, wretched.

Yep. That about sums up how I feel, so therefore, I must be sorry. Sorry that I let him do that to me. Sorry that I still think about it. Sorry that I still sink to that low. Sorry that I don't turn to God to help me. Sorry that I know God would help me. Sorry that he still makes me cry.... Sorry that I still have tears to cry over him.
And what for? God is my main focus now. So why am I still so pathetic, clinging to my hatred of him and still wanting to out-do him somehow? Why do I want to show him that I'm so much happier without him? And tell, no, scream at him, about how he ruined my childhood, took away my friends when I needed them... why can't I tell anyone else that?
Books used to take the pain away for a while.... now they don't.
I'm stuck. I want to turn to God, but it's hard when I'm away from my group of friends who were active Christians. I'm in youth group at my church, but I'm not a member, I'm an adult leader. Now, I don't have the connection with the members...even though I still look like I could be a high school student, they aren't going to connect with me as easily as people my own age or older would.

This just sucks. And I'm still sorry.

Released.

I finally spoke to my mom about how useless I was feeling. It pretty much all just spilled over one evening and she finally listened to what I had to say...
I feel like I can tell my mom anything, it's always just a matter of if she is willing to hear me out and not cut me off before I can tell her everything I want... no, that I NEED to say.

I still am struggling with the feeling, but it's slowly subsiding. I just don't know what I need in my life. Maybe more structure. But as I've mentioned before, having a boyfriend wouldn't be so bad. I wish I could just let it go and not worry about finding that certain someone. Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't shake the feeling that I'm never going to find anyone else who is willing to put up with me and my quirks, and even worse, put up with me when I sin. I know Jesus loves me, and God, but what about another human?

I found a prayer/memo/message that I wanted to share:
Guard your heart
Don't give your heart away until the Lord makes it absolutely clear.
Ask the Lord to give you someone who loves Jesus more than you, who is stronger and deeper and more committed to the faith than anyone you can possibly imagine.

This is really beautiful to me because this is what I need in my life. I need a man, who is a true man of God. And I want to continue to pray for him to find me, and care for me, because I know I don't mind being the follower of my husband, as long as my husband is truly worthy of my submission. And maybe it's a little old school, but it's what makes me happy.

Those shades of blue

Tonight is just one of those nights that I just want to cry my heart out. Blast my music, go some place far, far away, and bawl. Bawl until I can't see, until I fall asleep, until my eyes are dry. I want to run away... I just don't know exactly what I'm running from.

I wish I wasn't so messed up. I wish I didn't need to take these stupid anti-anxiety medications. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I was so much better than what I am. I just feel so useless. I'm not going full time in college and even though I just got hired at a job, they aren't calling me to start training. And I just feel so stupid. I feel like I'm absolutely useless right now. I just wish I could find some way to get out of here and actually do something useful in my life.

God... I need you. I just need you to hear me. What am I supposed to do? When I get like this, there is no stopping it. I can't do anything but beat myself up about stupid stuff, I can't help but feel like a total idiot, and so angry.

Lord, I just want you to comfort me, please? I know I'm selfish. I know I'm a hypocrite and coward... but God... I don't know how to change. I just need you so badly right now.

Two in One

Sorry for the double post today, I don't know why I don't like doing that, but I just had to say: I've been praying every night, and not for myself. For others, and for acceptance of God's will no matter what happens.... I think, that has made me a calmer person, and I can feel God near me. I've gotten more involved in church as well, that's helped a lot too. I just wish, like I said before, that everyone could experience this, and I wish I could remember this feeling at all times.