Crash.

Breathe in. Out. In... oh Lord... help me.
I was just looking at a friend's wedding pictures, a wedding I could unfortunately (but probably ended up being for the best) could not attend. My heart just... well... if a heart could vomit, that's what mine just did. Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy for my friend, she is so nice and lovely and deserves to finally have found a guy to treat her right but... I had just been writing, a hobby of mine, and I was writing about my break up just a few months back. I feel like a moron while writing it because it gets hard to see what I'm typing through the blur of tears (which usually isn't too much of a problem since I am able to type without looking but I cut my finger making dinner this evening so typing is a chore, another story for another time)...

How pathetic am I? I am just so sure I'll never find anyone to love me and for me to love back. I want it like crazy. But who am I fooling, I'm only 20! I could not meet someone for 4 or 5 or 10 more years and it's not like it's the end of the world!

I guess it's only because for four years of my life I lived thinking I was going to be married to the then "love" of my life right out of college and have a family and live a perfect life.
Oh God... Breathe....

I had to walk away. This is killing me even just to think about it. I feel so, I don't know, lost I guess. When I was actually at college, I had my friends who supported me via our religion and it was so uplifting, so inspiring and I had direction in my life. Now I feel like I'm wandering. I still give God all the glory in my life, but there are times like this, that everything gets so dark and I just feel like a small child separated from their mother, like a balloon pushed by any amount of wind, I feel as frail as porcelain, as insignificant as a lint ball rolling out the door. I feel so alone.

What if I never meet a guy? I know the point of this blog was to help me wait, but now it just feel like a place to track the days I waited and came up empty handed. I need to be here, in the present, worshiping God with everything I have and everything will work out fine. That's how it was in college, He was ever present when I was reaching out to him with love and obedience. Now, I'm not saying God's left me, but I feel distant. What can I do to bring Him closer to me? Tell me God please? I just want Your answer. I need Your touch right now so badly. Please help me.
Wow, it's almost midnight. I'm supposed to be in bed, getting ready for a fun Friday and fun weekend... I have plans Friday evening and all day Saturday. Why can't I just look forward to that time? I am seeing one of my favorite musicals tomorrow and spending almost all day with three of my absolute favorite friends and going to be at the beach having a good time... And I know, there's no way if I was still dating him that I would have such freedom. I just wish my heart could decide if it was broken, mended, maybe just stitched up a bit... or if it's finally whole again....

Up and Down and Up and Down and Down...

So, my life is a pretty easy one over all. Sure my online class isn't fun, but I've made A's on the first three exams and I do the work and get it done on time. And I have good friends that hang out with me and accept me for me. And I have a loving family, that while sometimes makes me want to punt small furry animals (not really, I like animals too much) they are still a supportive family. I also have two adorable cats that are only sometimes moody... and then there is the puppy. I won't talk too much about him, just that he can be so smart sometimes, and such a little brat other times.
Anyway, I'm just feeling like I should have applied to go back to college sooner... I thought, oh I'll get a job and work this fall and it will be all good! But now, what if I don't get a job? I had an interview lined up and they said they wanted me to go work for them, now they haven't called me and it's almost about the time they said they'd want me to come work for them. I don't know. I'm just so low right now. I feel like my life is pretty worthless. And my acne....

Oh God the acne...

I started using ProActiv but it's not doing much for half of my face. It cleared up my forehead which is a miracle! But now it's just stinging my face and I still have a big zit on my left cheek that just isn't going away, it's like it froze the rest of my acne :[ ...

Why can't I be one of those girls that just has a crap ton of money and is constantly beautiful? Why couldn't I have gotten that? And smart and perfect.... I just want to be perfect...

Meditate.

Mom took the puppy outside so I, as usual, followed into the back yard. We set up our chairs and watched little Pierre run around a bit. It was warm out, perfectly warm, and I clutched my tea with sugar and honey, not for warmth, but as a comfort. Mom decided it was time to go inside and start working, she works from home, but I was drawn to stay outside. And as I sat there I began to think about what I learned from a yoga instructor...
"Just sit."
So I did.
I heard the trees rustling in the wind. I heard the little whirring bugs in response, and felt the wind across my face. I heard a scratching of a chipmunk as he dug around in his little home a few feet from my seat. I saw two dragonflies around the tiger lilies. I heard the trickling water of the pond. I felt when the sun was fully uncovered, and the coolness of the earth when a cloud blocked the ray's path. As I sat there, I began to feel the Earth beneath me, and realize how sturdy it was. How solid this ground is. I felt safe, supported, embraced. It made me think about God.
God is so big, so sturdy. He is the foundation. Sometimes, we only see a little bit of him, sometimes we see a lot of him, or sometimes we hear him a little, like a trickling of water, or sometimes we hear a lot of him, a deafening whirring of bugs in the trees. But no matter what we currently see or hear, he is always there. He is the solid foundation upon which we all stand. He is constantly in motion for us, always holding us and guiding our steps. It doesn't matter if we believe in Him or not, He is always there. People used to think the world was flat, that didn't change it from being a sphere. And people may not see God, may not listen to Him, that doesn't change the fact that He is there.

The Internet is for Emo College Zumba Dancers

So I've been looking around thinking: ugh, why are all these blogs so emo!?! And then I realize how much of a hypocrite I must sound like because, I mean, look down... my blogs are emo too. I think it's because the internet gives us this false sense of "Say whatever you want to say" which to an extent is fine, unless it transfers into your everyday life, then people might start not calling you back or inviting you to parties.
Which sounds horrible, but if I had to listen to me talk like how I talk when I come to rant in a blog, I wouldn't want to be friends with myself. Ever.
And yes, sure, everyone has "those days"... you know, the ones where the entire world is against you and nobody understands how you feel? But that's why I use this blog I think... so that I can rant and rave, get it off my chest, and then forget about the whole ordeal.

Like now, I'm anxiously awaiting a reply from a community college about being accepted because I've decided to hell with the last university I attended, I'm staying closer to home and getting my ASN (associates degree of science in nursing) and then going to work. I should have just gone for my ASN to begin with because honestly I've never been a big fan of school and I am just SO ready to have a job and be out in the work place doing some good. I'm done with worrying about will I make a B or an A in this last psych class... so so very done.

I looked up some Zumba videos on youtube and am in love!! I love dancing and I want to work out, Zumba seems like a perfect solution! The only problem is that I don't have 60 dollars to buy either the work out DVD sets nor do I have 55 dollars for the month long, 2-days-a-week class that is offered in my hometown.
Soooo for now I will resort to copying people's moves on youtube videos and trying to figure it out by myself. I'm a quick learner so I'm not too concerned. Doing Zumba on top dragon boat training and my stretching (somewhat yoga) I am really hoping to just drop 5 pounds. I've been in the 138-142 range for a year now and I'm sick of it.
I want to be at least 135 again.... if I could get to 130 or even 125 I would be ecstatic... but I've tried loosing before and it never moves from my current range... I just don't want to be let down again. I really hate my weight... and I feel and extremely emo blog coming on... so I'll leave it at that.

Ciao

Fitspiration?

So I have been listening to a lot of Gwen Stefani songs lately and looking at her, she is so freakin' gorgeous, I want to be like her so badly. So my first goal, shape up. Now, I've been working extra hard to watch calories (which for both my mom and I don't really seem to do crap, I can keep under 1200 calories a day and still not loose weight) but also I have been working out extra too. Tuesday I did yoga and general stretching and that evening was dragon boat practice. Dragon boating kicked my butt pretty good since it had been two weeks since last going (lots of stuff going on in the family). But then today I did lifting and then a little bit of stationary bike and am getting ready to do some push-ups, possibly try to do the push-up and clap (don't know if it will work well though).

Anyway I actually looked up "thinspiration" first, but then saw something called "fitspiration" I am now looking every where for this, because in reality, I am never going to look like Gwen Stefani no matter how hard I try, my hip bones are far too wide for that. I just want to slim down to my hip bones, I know I'm curvaceous, but why can't I be curvaceous and fit at the same time?

I'm house sitting right now which means I have an entire house to be as loud or crazy as I want to be and not disturb anyone, either while working out or writing music. Hopefully this will be a good thing. However my online psychology class is taking up a lot of time and effort out of things I could be doing more of. If I didn't have to sit at the computer I could take a book and sit on the bike and read for an hour, but oh no, I need to spend at least 2-3 hours a day in front of the computer thanks to this class.

Well, that's just a quick update. A lot is going on, but I am going to get fit, I am going to lose weight, I am going to finally be happy with the way I look. No one is going to call me fat again.