Released.

I finally spoke to my mom about how useless I was feeling. It pretty much all just spilled over one evening and she finally listened to what I had to say...
I feel like I can tell my mom anything, it's always just a matter of if she is willing to hear me out and not cut me off before I can tell her everything I want... no, that I NEED to say.

I still am struggling with the feeling, but it's slowly subsiding. I just don't know what I need in my life. Maybe more structure. But as I've mentioned before, having a boyfriend wouldn't be so bad. I wish I could just let it go and not worry about finding that certain someone. Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't shake the feeling that I'm never going to find anyone else who is willing to put up with me and my quirks, and even worse, put up with me when I sin. I know Jesus loves me, and God, but what about another human?

I found a prayer/memo/message that I wanted to share:
Guard your heart
Don't give your heart away until the Lord makes it absolutely clear.
Ask the Lord to give you someone who loves Jesus more than you, who is stronger and deeper and more committed to the faith than anyone you can possibly imagine.

This is really beautiful to me because this is what I need in my life. I need a man, who is a true man of God. And I want to continue to pray for him to find me, and care for me, because I know I don't mind being the follower of my husband, as long as my husband is truly worthy of my submission. And maybe it's a little old school, but it's what makes me happy.

Those shades of blue

Tonight is just one of those nights that I just want to cry my heart out. Blast my music, go some place far, far away, and bawl. Bawl until I can't see, until I fall asleep, until my eyes are dry. I want to run away... I just don't know exactly what I'm running from.

I wish I wasn't so messed up. I wish I didn't need to take these stupid anti-anxiety medications. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I was so much better than what I am. I just feel so useless. I'm not going full time in college and even though I just got hired at a job, they aren't calling me to start training. And I just feel so stupid. I feel like I'm absolutely useless right now. I just wish I could find some way to get out of here and actually do something useful in my life.

God... I need you. I just need you to hear me. What am I supposed to do? When I get like this, there is no stopping it. I can't do anything but beat myself up about stupid stuff, I can't help but feel like a total idiot, and so angry.

Lord, I just want you to comfort me, please? I know I'm selfish. I know I'm a hypocrite and coward... but God... I don't know how to change. I just need you so badly right now.

Two in One

Sorry for the double post today, I don't know why I don't like doing that, but I just had to say: I've been praying every night, and not for myself. For others, and for acceptance of God's will no matter what happens.... I think, that has made me a calmer person, and I can feel God near me. I've gotten more involved in church as well, that's helped a lot too. I just wish, like I said before, that everyone could experience this, and I wish I could remember this feeling at all times.

You Are More

There's been a lot on my mind lately.
I've had so many ups and downs. An up has been feeling God beside me, hearing His voice. A down has been getting a call from my best friend sobbing because her boyfriend is a complete jerk. Another up has been getting my neighbor's dog, Hunter, to walk on a looser leash, he's really starting to understand not to pull, but it's still not perfect. My dog, Pierre, is doing really well too. He knows roll-over now! It's exciting to watch him grow and learn more about dogs in general. If only humanity was so simple to deal with.

It makes me so sad to know so many people don't know God or don't love Jesus. It makes me ache when I see how negative and destructive humans can be.

There's one guy on YouTube called TheAmazingAtheist, the name already screams ignorance, but on top of that, he's just so mean and full of hate and a desire to destroy good. I can really tell. One thing I've always been good at was the ability to read someone, he is dark, wounded and evil. It's truly horrifying that even if he doesn't believe in the devil, I can see him sitting next to it. One thing that scares me is the people who don't see the demons behind them. I constantly strive to watch out for them, but I know my God is stronger than any demon. But I worry, sometimes hearing the words that other people say, about how it's dumb to think there is a God, that somehow hearing the words will make me believe it. Although, when I step back and ask for God's guidance, I know He's there. And it's sad that some people will go there whole lives not knowing that feeling.

I just wish, that even if people didn't know Jesus, that they would at least be happy, at least be a positive being and not one so consumed with hate.